Reminiscence

Late last night, as I was striving to fall asleep I indulged in a few TED Talks over Youtube. In one of those beautiful videos the speaker mentioned 'Pain, often acts as a trampoline, it brings you down, only to lodge you higher and into something bigger'.
So, here I am , back to what I once used to love,  writing, because of the pain I am going through since the past few days.
Let me tell you what this pain is, and I am hoping that telling this publicly will help me dissipate the heaviness I feel in my heart.
Almost a decade back, I was working in a different city, living with friends, making new ones,in short, quite busy with my life and the people around me. While I was at it, I managed to make a very close friend, someone I could feel a connection with, at the same time I lost another friend. This loss as  I like to call it, was because of different things we wanted from our lives, and the different ways we perceived each other.
Let us call my new friend as Person AG, and the old one as Person G.
I had been a strong, independent person, at times headstrong, often righteous. I believed I had to do the right thing irrespective of how that made everyone feel, including myself. I was too proud to show my vulnerable side, and a little sadist to feel accomplished if someone responsible for the situation, showed his/her vulnerability. Yes, that was me , until a decade back. I know, you must hate me by now.
Anyway, back to the story. So, G was my first real friend ever. We became friends in our early teens, enjoyed each others company, virtually over the internet. Given the shy people that we were, we never made an attempt to go out and meet each other. It is now exactly 17 years since we first met and became friends. I felt a connection with him, and I loved him. I am sure you will agree with me when I say that you can really love people from the opposite sex without it being romantic. So, yes, when I reflect on it, it was definitely platonic. All I ever wanted was for him to be a part of my life, forever.
Like most stories go, he wanted 'us' to be something else, and I don't blame him to feel that way. I did what I had to do, because by then I had already committed myself to someone else I 'truly' loved, and ended up hurting G, bad. We parted ways.This was a decade back from now.
There was this void I felt within, something I could not express to others, and also unsure of being understood in the correct way. I kept all the pain within, carefully picking up the pieces and building a fort out of it..
I met AG ,and we became close friends. She was the only other 'Friend' who could shatter the walls and get in. It somehow felt that G was back in my life, till she moved to another city two years later.
We lost touch over the years, but somewhere she could fill the void left by G, to some extent.
Just two days back, I learnt from a common friend of AG's passing. She had suffered a stroke.
It has been exactly 52 hours since I received this news. I am struggling to accept this. I was in complete denial initially, followed by a period when my mind played a trick on me, reiterating that this is all a prank. I loved her, and I still do. It doesn't matter whether we were in touch recently, or not.Psychologically, it felt as if I have lost G, again. Yes, I still love him.
I was finding it difficult to cope with the loss. I was crying in hiding, because I didn't want my husband to feel all sad, seeing me sad. He is like this innocent, pure soul I want to protect, and I 'truly' love him. It was a battle to cope...it still is... but I know, like all losses I will be able to deal with this one too... I am trying...

LOVE...

WHAT IS LOVE…?

I have often been haunted, for years by this simple question with all efforts to find an appropriate answer, in vain. As the season of love looms, with the V-Day just around the corner, my unconquerable desperation to find the answer this time, before all the celebrations for Valentines’ Day sets in, was driving me almost insane.

An article on Calcutta Times (dated: Feb.12,2010) saved me from the ordeal ,just at the nick of time, and put my mind to rest. Though the article was written by one of India’s Spiritual Gurus, Pandit Sri Sri Ravi Shankar ,and was expected to be philosophical ( read: not of much interest to today’s youth), I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of truth, and realization that his words contained.

I would like to quote from the Article, titled,’ Let It Be’ :

“ There are three kinds of love. The love that comes out of charm, that which comes out of comfort, and the divine love. The love that comes out of charm, does not last long. It comes out of unfamiliarity or attraction. In this, you lose the attraction fast, and boredom sets in. This love may dimish and bring along with it a fear, uncertainty, insecurity and sadness.

The love that comes out of comfort and familiarity grows, but it has no thrill, no enthusiasm, joy, or fire to it. For example, you are more comfortable with an old friend who is a familiar person rather than with a new person.

Divine love supersedes both the above. It has an ever present newness. The closer you go, more charm and depth come to it. There is never boredom and it keeps everyone on their toes.

Wordly love can be like an ocean, yet an ocean has a bottom. Divine love is like the sky which is limitless. From the bottom of the ocean, soar into the vast sky. Ancient love transcends all these relationships. Let Love be. Don’t give it a name. When you give it a name, it becomes a relationship, and relationships restrict love.

Often one experiences love at first sight. Then as time goes on, it decreases, decays, turns into hatred and disappears. Ancient love never decays.”

“ Pain goes with love. Because you love someone, even a small action can hurt you. And in hurt, you feel very delicate, very deep. Love also creates the same sensation. Separation creates the same symptom. If you don’t love somebody, you will never feel hurt by them. Understand and accept this. Then that hurt will not turn into a sore feeling. Rather, that very hurt will take you deep into dispassion and meditation.

When love glows, it becomes bliss; when it flows, it is compassion; when it blows, it is anger; when it ferments, it is jealousy. Let Love be. Don’t give it a name! ”

As I go through this article over and over again, I find a new truth unraveled, each time. Everytime I re-read this article, the perception of love changes, and brings with it a realization of a far greater good, and where this good can lead mankind to. There has been instances where I have experienced ‘friendly love’, but as the article advices, and I had committed a mistake each time to ‘name’ it, I have suffered likewise.

I do not know, as of now, whether I feel the ‘divine love’ towards anyone in particular, or whether I am the recipient of such a blessing, apart from my parents, I do firmly believe that every individual, no matter how shrewd, or magnanimous, is loved equally by God, and is a subject of His mercy, to receive the Divine Love once in the lifetime, sooner or later. Life at present has become so materialistic, so practical and so devoid of the softer side of human nature, that people find it difficult to extract time and give these tender aspects a small thought. Mankind, always running after materialistic success, has forgotten the true definition of what Success is, and has permanently renounced the pursuit of happiness. Man has lost his serenity, compassion and mental peace, in the fervor to prove to the world that he is also an eligible contender in the race of life, and is equally apt to win the race.

I personally feel, that this jest of proving one’s standing in life has led to the fear of making a mistake, though mistakes are ought to be made. I had once read a quote, which had left a mark on my mind: “ The biggest mistake that man makes is the fear of making one”. I am on the verge of entering the real world, no more protected by the loving embraces of my parents, and I too suffer from the same fear, a suffering whose cure , I do not know of.

Nightmare...???

My 1st ever nightmare dates back to 1990 when I barely had the ability to understand things and distinguish among different feelings. I still remember that nightmare since it had continued to re-occur many times over a considerable number of years. In it,I saw myself as a white tourist lost, along with other fellow tourists,possibly in the dense Amazon forests. As we tried to find our way back,we headed deeper into the jungle,till we stepped into the area inhabited by some local tribe. The barbaric tribe trapped us,inspite of our efforts to flee from that place. No matter how hard we,and in particular,I, tried to break free,they captivated me,bound me with ropes,and placed a pot of boiling water beneath me. The rest is understood.
The reason why I considered this nightmare worth mentioning is because I feel there is some uncanny connection between us.
Considering my natural interest towards mysticism and mystery,I had once logged onto a 'Past life finder' website,where my curiosity got the better of me. I ended up with the web result which said that in one of my past lives,hundreds of years before the birth of proper civilization, I had been a religious mystic Healer,dwelling in the forests, relieving people of their pains.
The one word that left me wondering about this past life story was 'Forest'.
How was it possible that i repeatedly had the same dream day after day and year after year,with no considerable change in the content?
Was it possible that the nightmare was indeed a reflection of one of my past lives?
I still do not know the answer.
Being a engineering student my logic says that there is no such thing as past life.
But, that particular nightmare,at a tender age when I did not even have the slightest idea about cannibals or tribes,speaks otherwise,and still leaves me wondering...